Cooking for BeanHeads
by Qk
Summary: Yami's hungry, but Yugi left without leaving any food behind. What's he to do? Don't worry, Yami! The YGO cast is on the way! AUOneshot


**Yes, it IS Possibly to Burn Water (Now Revised Feb. 1/06)**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own YGO. That's all I can say.

**D/N:** Yeah, this story is just to take a break from my other story, Diplomacy. Hopefully, it'll break my writer's block.

**OooOOOooO**

Yami was hungry.

There was no other way to say it, it was straightforward. He was really hungry, and he didn't know what to eat. Yugi had left a while ago to go shopping with grandpa,apparently forgetting to leave something out for Yami to eat. So here he was, the all-powerful pharaoh of ancient times, wandering the closed Game Shop, looking for something edible. He could summon multitudes of monsters to do his bidding, he could save the world from various forms of danger, he could even get _Kaiba_ to shut up every now and then, but he couldn't cook for himself.

'This is pathetic...' Yami thought. 'Maybe I should've had those cooking lessons after all. I could've built a fire and then roasted a pig over it.' He thought about this for a moment, remembering the last time he had tried to use a fireplace. Yugi had called the fire department several times because as soon as the fire department left, another flame would pop up.

'On the other hand, I don't like the idea of starving to death...'

He sighed, stretched, and went to the fridge. Opening it, he stared at its contents. It was almost completely empty. (And by empty I mean that there was nothing he could just pick up and shove into his mouth right away.) Grandpa must not have gone grocery shopping for a while. Yami glared at the fridge, as if that would make food suddenly appear.

Poking a package of raw bacon meat, he wondered if it was possible to eat it plain. "Maybe it's not that bad..." Yami mumbled to himself, as he picked up the package and opened it. Slowly, he begantearing off a chunk of meat,eyeing it nervously. Yugi had always said that raw meat was hazardous to your health andcould give you food poisoning. But...

'But it's not like he left any alternative...' Yami thought.Placing the meat in his mouth, he chewed several times. Eventually he managed to swallow, only to abruptly race to the bathroom and throw up.

Yami sat breathing heavily for a while by the toilet. "Well, now I know raw meat is bad." Yami said aloud, as he slowly got up and rinsed his mouth out. He heard a small ringing sound in the front indicating someone had entered the Turtle Game Shop. Vigorously towel-drying his tongue, Yami made his way over.

There was Tristan and Joey, standing idlyby the front desk.

"Oh, hello you two." Yami greeted them, flatly, his stomach chiming in with a growl. "What are you doing here?"

"We came to see if Yugi was home." Tristan replied.Joey was preoccupied with trying to hone in on a single molecule and see it clearly, so he only managed a grunted greeting. "Is this a bad time?"

"Actually, no." Yami told him, after a moment's consideration. "I'm really hungry right now,and I've no idea how to work these modern day machine. Can you help?" He looked over at the blond with his face smooshed up against the counter. Shaking his head, he looked back over at Tristan expectantly

Tristan shrugged. "I don't know, Yami..." he said. "I'm not much of a cook... but I'll give it a shot." Naturally, Tristan tends to flatter himself. He brings a whole new meaning to the saying, 'I can't cook water without burning it.' He gave Joey a smack on his back, saying, "Come on, Joey. Quit messing with the counter."

"Meh?" Joey grunted, as he looked up. "What? What're we doin'?"

"Cooking." Yami smiled brightly.

Joey blinked for a moment, wondering if this was some kind of sick joke. "Euhhh... cookin'? You - we're - gonna do some actual cookin'?" His gaze flickered from Tristan to Yami. "You know what cookin' actually _is_, right? I mean, you don't think it's some different name for Duel Monsters or Shadow Realm or somethin', right?"

"Cooking is the preparation of food," Yami sighed in frustration, anxious to eat, "Something I desperately need right now. Are you helping or not?"

Joey paused for a moment, going over the worst possible scenarios in his head. (One ended in Joey saving the world from a T-Rex.) "Well... I never said I wouldn't..." Joey mumbled. "Ok, I'll help. But only to make sure you don't set the house on fire, as we all know what an expert Yami is at that." He raised an eyebrow at the pharaoh, Yami blushing slightly in return.

"It was an accident..." he muttered. "Alright, come on." The three friends walked into the kitchen, Joey leaping for the fridge upon arrival.

"Aww... there's nothing good to eat!" Joey whined, slamming the fridge shut, sendinga bunch of magnets and certain pictures tocascade off of the fridge door."Ooh... what've we here?" he mumbled.

"Obviously there's nothing in the fridge." Yami rolled his eyes. "Do you think I'd ask you two to help me cook if I could actually find something in there?"

"Yeah... good point." Tristan nodded. "Ok, the first rule of cooking is-"

"Tristan, do you even know the first thing about cookin'?" Joey questioned, looking up from the stack of pictures he held in his hands that no one apparently noticed.

"Of course I do!" Tristan snapped, sweat forming on his brow. "Ok... the first thing to do is... Know what you're going to cook!"

"Food. We done?" Joey mumbled.

"Shut up, Joey." Tristan glared. (Thought not as good as Kaiba's. No where near Kaiba's league of GLOWER POWER!)

"Let's make soup." Yami shrugged.

"Yeah! Soup!" Tristan grinned. "Soup's simple, right?"

"Not when _you're _in charge." Joey mumbled to himself, continuing to leaf through the pictures.

"Shut _up_, Joey." Tristan glared again. He turned back to Yami. "Ok, so, what kind of soup are we going to make? What kind do you have?"

"What... kind?" Yami cocked his head at the brunette in confusion. "Yugi always starts with water and then adds stuff. He says it's 'from scratch.'"

"Ah." Tristan said, heart sinking a little. From scratch. That was not good. "Ok... no biggie... We can handle this... Uh... ok, first we'll boil a little water..."

"I'll get the fire extinguisher." Joey stated, as he left the room.

"Yeah... you do that..." Tristan replied warily.

"Ok, I'll get a pot." Yami said.

Tristan nodded, as he looked through the cupboards in order to find a little seasoning and stuff. He pulled out cinnamon, pepper, salt, sugar, nutmeg, basil, and of course, chocolate chips. "Ok... I got the spices. You got the pot?"

"I got the pot!" Yami replied, happier.

"Ok, you got the pot, I got the spices," Tristan said, "Who got the water?"

"I got the water!" Yami replied.

"I got the fire extinguisher! And," Joey called out, returning. "I got embarrassing pictures of Yugi that I can use for blackmail!"

Yami didn't really listen to Joey when he said this. "Ok, water's in the pot. Now what?"

"Put the pot on the stove, and turn the stove on." Tristan said, absently, completely oblivious to the fact that Yami could not work a stove properly.

"Ok..." Yami muttered, turning a knob at random. He heard a small click, and a light winked red to show that it was on. Unfortunately, the element that was opposite to the one Yami was using was on now, but Yami didn't know that. Sheesh! He was the _pharaoh_ for crying out loud! He shouldn't have been expected to cook. That's what slaves were for. "Great, now what?"

"Now?" Tristan blinked. He didn't get this far yet.

"Yeah, now, genius." Joey grinned. "I mean, every _cook_ knows what happens next, right? I mean, you _can_ cook, right?"

"Of course I do!" Tristan lied. He was silent for a moment, thinking furiously."Hey, Joey, since you're such a big-shot, you must know how to cook. Why don't you take over for me?"

Joey grinned evilly. "Me? Cook? That's like saying that Kaiba can smile. Impossible. And besides, how could my knowledge of cookin' surpass yours?" He said, none too innocently. "Just like Duel Monsters, huh, Tristan?"

"Uh... yeah..." Tristan mumbled. "Just like Duel Monsters..." He sighed in worry. '_Ok, no big deal. Just act cool, and roll with it._' Tristan thought to himself, glancing quickly over at Joey. '_Look at him, with his smug little smile pasted on his little... pasty face... I'll show him!_'

"This is going to take a while..." Yami muttered. "Can't we make something that we can eat right away?"

Tristan paused. "Do you have anything to make sandwiches?" he asked Yami.

"I may not be able to cook,"The pharaohfrowned, "But sandwiches are something _anyone_ can do."

"Right, right." Tristan nodded. "Uhm... ok... what about... some... eggs?"

"Eggs?" Joey grinned. "You want to cook eggs now? That's just wonderful. And we can all have a big fire like last time. Remember?"

"Hey, I'm at least coming up with ideas!" Tristan snapped.

"Oh, those were your IDEAS?" Joey blinked, in an obviously sarcastic manner, "I thought you were settin' goals!"

"Wiseguy..." Tristan mumbled under his breath. He looked over at the water. "Hasn't it started boiling yet? I mean, I know it takes a long time, but... geez..." He leaned on the stove a bit, away from the element tat had the pot on it. Little did he know that Yami could not work a stove, and, as earlier mentioned, turned on the wrong element.

The one Tristan was leaning on.

Joey stopped staring at the pictures and laughing inwardly,pausing to sniff the air. "You smell that?"

"Wasn't me." Tristan replied instantly.

"No... more like something burnin'..." Joey replied. His eyes suddenly widened as he stared at Tristan's elbow, watchinga small flame appear on his jacket where his elbow met the element. "Tristan, you idiot! It_is_ you! You're on fire!"

Yami's eyeswidened as he looked down at Tristan's elbow. As if on cue, a little flame eruptedinto a fire of volcanicproportions, travelling all the way upTristan's arm. "AHHHH!" Yami wailed, jumping behind the table.

"Hold still, buddy!" Joey called, and did the sensible thing to do at a time like this; He grabbed the pot of water and threw it on Tristan. The flames were smothered, Tristan began breathing heavily thoughhappy to get out of that alive, the crisis was adverted and no one was dead. He called that a good job.

"Well, _that_ was close." Tristan panted. Slowly, as if to mock him, a tiny flame that truly had no means of that had escaped the water, burst into action, using Tristan's hair fuel.

"TRISTAN! YOU'RE STILL ON FIRE!" Joey roared, grabbing the fire extinguisher.

Tristan looked up, seeing shadows cast everywhere but on him. Obviously, it was his head that had combusted. "AHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, wildly waving hisarms."JOEY! DO SOMETHING!"

Do something Joey did.

The blond whipped the fire extinguisher at Tristan's head, apparently too stunned to actually use it, thus resulting in pain and misfortune for the brunet asthe fire extinguisher collided with Tristan's face, as he fell down. On the bright side, he fell in a puddle, and that was enough to put out the flame ravaging his hair.

Everyone was silent for a moment, before Joey snapped,"That's what you get for leanin' on a stove, you moron."

"Shut up, Joey."

Another pause. Then, a beeping.

Everyone looked at each other. It took a moment or two, but Yami finally said, (from behind the table) "It's the smoke alarm."

"A little late..." Joey grumbled.

"Ok, I think it's safe to say the soup idea was a total flop." Tristan stated. The others agreed. "Maybe... we should call someone and ask if they can come over and help us."

"Who?" Yami asked.

Joey's eyes lit up. "Let's call Mai!"

"You_always_ want to call Mai." Tristan rolled his eyes. "Right now, let's call Tea instead." Once this was agreed, Tristan and Yami began cleaning up the mess, as Joey called Tea.

"Hey... Is Tea there?... Yeah, it's Joey... Yes, Joey Wheeler... No, not the plumber, the kid... No, not the accountant, the _kid_... Yeah, the one who egged your house...I'm a friend of Tea's?... Yeah, you remember me now, do ya?... Is Tea home?... Yeah, I'll wait." Joey sighed, as he caught a questioning glance from Tristan.

"Old lady." Joey mouthed. Tristan nodded, leaving Joey to focus his attention back on the phone. "Yeah, Tea? It's Joey... We wanted to know if you could come over to the Game Shop... Tristan and Yami... No, Yugi went out, it's just Yami... We need to... hello? Hello?" Joey sighed, hanging up the phone. "I guess she hung up." Joey shrugged.

Suddenly, there was a loud slam of a door being whipped open, as Tea barged in. Barely a breath passed before she was atYami's side. "Hey, Yami! What's up? I just happened to be around the neighbourhood and wanted to see what you were doing!" she said, before trailing off. She looked around the room. "Uhm... what_were_ you doing?"

"Cooking!" Tristan stated.

"Oh. That explains it." Tea asked, eyeing the carnage.She received shrugs from all three. "Ok... don't worry. I took some cooking lessons, soI know exactly what to do. What do you guys want to make?"

"Anything," Yami proclaimed, "So long as it's not soup."

Tea blinked at the pharaoh, but went on. "I think we should start with something simple." She thought for a moment. "How about lasagna?"

"Lasagna's simple?" Joey asked. He had pocketed the very interesting pictures of Yugi as a child, and was now ready to help.

"Well, I guess you're right. We're starting off a bit fast." Tea said. "Ok, how about cookies?"

"Cookies..." Yami murmured, considering it."I... _guess_ that's ok. Fairly harmless." (Yes, cookies harmless in other stories. But this is MY story.)

"Great! Let's get started!" Tea grinned. "Ok, first thing we need to do is... get some flour. Yami, if you could get it for us, we'll get started."

Yami nodded and raced off. A few minutes later, he was back again, carrying a bouquet of flowers. Giant chunks of soil hung off of the roots, sprinkling the ground. "Here you go, Tea. Is this what makes chocolate chips?"

"No, Yami," Tea shook her head, as Joey and Tristan were snickered in a corner. "Those are _flowers_. We want _flour_."

"Oh." Yami replied. He then ran back outside,returning momentarily,a single flour in his hand this time. "There. Flower. What's next?"

"Yami... that's not flour..." Tea sighed. "It's that white, powdery stuff people use to cook."

"Well, everything Yugi and Grandpa use to cook are in those cupboards up there." Yami told her. Tea nodded and got the flour. "Oh..._that_ flour... right..."

"Ok, next we need to measure this. Yami, go grab me some sugar and salt and I'll get this ready." Tea said.

**oOoOo** **Ten Minutes Later oOoOo**

Ten minutes later, things were actually going really well. (By that,I mean everyone was alive and no one was on fire. For once.) Joey and Tristan were surprised that Tea actually _could_ cook, seeing as she was now balling up the dough and getting ready to place it in the oven.

"Hey, Yami, can you preheat the oven for me?" Tea asked. Apparently there was a disease striking everyone in Domino that made them forget Yami's mechanical defiency...

"Set it to 440 degrees, ok?" Tea called out. "Then set the timer for 20 minutes."

'_Twenty minutes?_' Yami thought. 'I_ can't wait that long! Ten minutes... Maybe if I increase the heat..._'Yes, Yami was a thinker all right. It was a very dangerous thing for him to be.'_There... 880. That means it can go for ten minutes!_' But Yami, with his amazing reading skills, read the numberswrong,setting it for 20 minutes after all. (Don't ask how that's managed, it just is... ) "Ok! Done!" he declared. "Now what?"

"Now, we wait!" Tea said. "Let's do something for now." The others agreed, Joey and Yami instinctively pulling out their decks. "Something _other_ than Duel Monsters, please." The boys frowned, shoving their decks back in their pockets.

Not one of them thought to check if Yami had set everything properly this time.

**OooOOOooO**

"I smell somethin' burnin' again..." Joey suddenly said.

"You've probably just got the after-scent of my jacket." Tristan reassured him. "It's probably nothing."

"Yeah... but I'd feel better if I go check on those cookies..." Joey replied, getting up out of his seat."It's not that I don't trust you programmin' an oven, Yami, it's just... no wait, it's pretty much that." Yami snorted angrily.

He walked in again casually shortly.

"Feel better?" Tea asked. "How's everything?"

"It's fine." Joey nodded. "Kitchen's clean, table chair are tucked in, Yugi's kitchen's on fire... y'know, the normal stuff."

"_What?_" All three cried, flying into the kitchen.

"Oh, for the love of..." Tea trailed off, as she saw the oven in flames. "Grab the fire extinguisher!" Joey leapt forward and grabbed it. Unfortunately, the was fire was getting him excited, and excitement + Joey + fire extinguisher + pressure + various other elements ... Well, basically the same things as before.

Joey grabbed the fire extinguisher, chucking it at the oven. Lucky for him, it hit its mark. Unfortunately for everyone else, the fire extinguisher exploded.

You see, this particular fire extinguisher company failed to place a warning on their product saying, 'Do not just chuck randomly into fire,' simply because they figured no one could be that stupid.

Unfortunately for them, they had not met Joey.

The explosion itself created another large burst of flames, as the fire now spread throughout the entire kitchen. "OH GOD!" Tristan wailed. "WE'RE ALL GONNA BURN TO DEATH!"

"What's the number for 9-1-1?" Yami shrieked, racing around. "What's the number for 9-1-1?"

Tea whipped out her cell-phone, dialing those magic numbers. "Hello? Domino City Fire Department? The Turtle Game Shop is on fire!... Yeah, again! Get over here now!" She hung up and looked at Yami. "Thanks to you, they have a firetruck on continual stand-by for this place."

"Way to go, Yami!" Joey and Tristan cheered.

**OooOOOooO**

"... Now I trust you kids will learn not to use the oven unless you're supervised from now on, right?" Mr. Fireman said. The small group of teens nodded glumly. "Good. Have a nice day!" He waved as he climbed backonto the firetruck.

As the truck left, a familiar car rolled in, and out ran Yugi and Grandpa. "Yami! Joey! You guys!" he cried. "What happened?"

"Oh sure, we're just 'you guys.'" Tristan snorted.

Joey ignored him and quickly explained what happened, "We were tryin' to make somethin' to eat."

"And we never succeeded in that, so I'm still hungry!" Yami grumbled.

"My shop!" Grandpa wailed. He wagged a finger in Yami's nose. "You'll be doing a lot of chores around here, young man!"

"What!" Yami blinked. "That's not fair! It was accident!"

"Accident or not, you caused the damage, you fix it!" Grandpa snapped. "Now first thing's first! Get in there and start cleaning up!" Yami glared at the old man, trudging into the remains of the kitchen.

"I think now would be a good time to leave..." Tea whispered to the boys.

"Yeeeah..." Joey agreed, as the three began trying to creep away.

"_Where are you three going?_" The demonic voice of Solomon Moto screeched.

**OooOOOooO**

"You know, this never would of happened if we just paid attention to the closed sign, but noooooo! I just had to listen to you, didn't I?" He sneered at Joey. "Now look what happened!"

Joey rolled his eyes in annoyance, before suddenly brightening up.

"_Now_ can we call Mai?"

**OooOOOooO**

**OOOOO**

**OOOOO**

**D/N:** Yeeees... dunno why I wrote this... Just... y'know... takin' a break from Of Dogs and Men. (READ IT!) So... review... I may or may not continue.


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